Rose Red
by Djinn Slashfen
Summary: Snow White ... on crack. And cast with our beloved Troopers and Masho. Yaoi, yuri, cross-dressing ... nothing is sacred and YOU ARE WARNED! ^_^


****

Rose Red  
By Djinn

* * *

Everyone knows the story of the beautiful princess Snow White, who was persecuted by an evil queen, and eventually saved by a handsome prince. But have you ever head the story of Snow White's half sister, the not-so-beautiful Lady Rose Red?

* * *

Once upon a time, in a kingdom called Youjakai, there live a young girl. She had long red hair and green eyes, and a really annoying voice. Her name was Rose Red. Her step "mother" was an **EVIL!!** queen (and what a Queen he was!) named Arago, who's likes included leather collars and fishnet stockings. He hated Rose Red because she refused to teach him how to apply eyeliner, and as punishment, he forced her to do tedious programming all day long. But Rose Red knew that, as a fairy tale princess, some day a beautiful prince would appear and carry her off to his castle in the clouds. Because that was the way these things worked, goshdarnit!!

Rose Red typically spent her days singing 'Someday My Prince Will Come' really loud and off key by her window while she vainly struggled to de-bug **EVIL!!** Windows software. This naturally did not help her attract any princes. But one day while she stopped for breath a prince, who didn't happen to know any better, rode close enough to the castle to hear her. When she began singing he made the natural assumption that, somewhere, some **EVIL!!** creature was playing the violin with a live cat, and rushed to the rescue.

"Hey! Hey, you!" The handsome prince yelled up from the path below Rose Red's window. Rose Red dashed away from her **EVIL!!** computer and leaned down over the windowsill to see the handsome blonde prince on horseback. She tried to blush, as is required of princesses, but failed because she wasn't really a princess at all, she was just some obsessive chick in grotty legwarmers.

"Oh my handsome prince! You have come to rescue me!!" She screeched. The prince, seeing this, turned and rode full speed in the other direction. Rose Red sighed happily. "Oh, he is going to raise and army to liberate me from the clutches of that **EVIL!!** queen Arago!" And thus purposefully deluded, she returned to her work.

Now the **EVIL!!** queen Arago's prized possession was a hand mirror that would answer truthfully any question put to it. Arago, being the **EVIL!!** self-absorbed bastard he was, did not realize the true usefulness of such a device and only asked it questions about how to improve his female impersonating. Every day he would go up to the mirror and say,

__

Mirror, mirror, in my hand,  
How can I be less like a man?

And the mirror would give him advice on how to improve his image. (The rumor that the mirror contained the trapped spirit of J. Edgar Hoover is **completely unfounded**! Even if it **did** really, really look like him!)

Among the mirror's better ideas:

__

- Grow your hair out.  
- Loose the armor; it makes you broad-shouldered.  
- Try wearing high heels, for balance.  
- BALLET!!

Among the mirror's less helpful comments:

__

- Castration. [OUCH!]_  
- Helium. _[huh?]_  
- Waxing. _[*riii~iiip!]_  
- Miniskirts. _[ICK!!]_  
- Pigtails. _[AAAAHHH!!!]

But on this particular day, the mirror looked over Arago, and it said:

__

Arago, my noble queen,  
Alas, it is a man_ you seem!  
There is something stopping you  
From being just like '_To Wong Foo_'.  
There is only one last hope  
To turn you to a girly dope:  
Rose Red! Kill that bratty chick,  
She's the only person without a dick!  
When all women are gone, you can bet,  
You'll be as close as they can get!_

At which point the mirror promptly ran off to skip barefoot through a field of dew-wet flowers to an elevator-muzak (**EVIL!!**) version of 'Happiness is a Warm Gun'.

Arago contemplated this. He had been keeping Rose Red alive purely to see if she could fix his Windows, but now that that seemed a lost cause ... and besides, looking like a woman was the most important thing! Quickly he called to him his favorite huntsman.

"Oh Anubisu-chaaa~aaan!!" Arago said falsetto, batting his eyes. "Honey, there's this chick Rose Red, who's being a real pain in my ass . . . she's all girly and stuff, so could you, like, cut her heart out and bring it back in this sequined handbag? Pretty please?"

Anubisu fought back his nausea and nodded. "Yes, my Lor - er, my Lady."

**__**

*~ Presently, a lot of boring shite happened, with the end result that Rose Red didn't die (goshdarnit!) and ran away into the woods, finally finding herself at the home of the rather poorly named 'dwarves'. ~*

Rose Red knocked at the door, when presently there was a lot of shuffling from inside, and then the peephole opened.

"Who's there?"

"Rose Red!"

"Rose Red who?"

"Rose Red the lady who is trying to escape from the **EVIL!!** queen Arago!"

". . . what kind of punch line is that?"

Presently, there was more shuffling from inside, and the door opened to reveal seven ... normal-sized people. (What?! I said they were poorly-named, didn't I?? Pay attention!)

"So you're trying to escape from the evil queen, huh?" The black haired one said, tilting his head to the side. "I guess we have to help you then."

"We do?" The green-haired one asked. "Why?"

"Because I fear the **EVIL!!** author." The black haired one responded with a shudder.

"Who is this 'author' you speak of?" The Chinese one wanted to know.

"Nevermind that now!" The black haired one exclaimed. "We should introduce ourselves!" He turned back to Rose Red. "How do you do. "I'm "Poorly Dubbed" ... erhm, I mean, Bossy!"

The blue haired one crossed his arms. "I'm "Socially Dysfunctional" ... Brainy for short."

"I'm Hungry!!" The Chinese one exclaimed cheerfully. "What?? I am ..."

The next one had short red hair. "I'm "Portrayed In Fanfic As A Huge Uke", but you can call me Fishy!"

Next, long red hair. "I'm "Femme-boi", but call me Girly."

The green-haired. "Then call me Creepy." He hissed.

The white haired Cyclops grinned **EVIL!!**ly. "Just call me Gen." He growled, thereby fulfilling the author's obligation to have one of the names end in something other than 'y'.

"Well, like I said, I'm Rose Red!!" Rose Red responded. "Wow, you're pretty tall for dwarves! Well anyway, start loving me already! I'm irresistible!"

Sweatdrops all around.

* * *

Meanwhile, back in his **EVIL!!** castle, the **EVIL!!** queen Arago had retrieved his mirror from the field of dew-wet flowers and cut the **EVIL!!** muzak, and was preparing to ask it that fateful question.

__

Mirror, mirror, in my hand,  
How can I be less like a man?

The mirror looked over Arago thoughtfully and said

__

Arago, my **EVIL!!** _queen,  
It is STILL a man you seem!  
How can I be expected to do my part,  
When you won't cut out Rose Red's heart?_

The **EVIL!!** queen was shocked by this response. "But like, I DID! Like, I **totally** made Anubisu cut her open, and, like, I have her heart right here in my purse!" He cried. "So mirror, why aren't I the femme-est person in the show yet??"

The mirror sighed, and responded

__

Arago, you have be tricked!  
You, figuratively, have been licked!  
Rose Red is still femme-est in the land;  
It's the heart of a hog_ you have in you hand!_

"Like, ew!!" Arago cried, dropping the bag. "That is, like, SOOOOOOO gross! I thought it was a human heart!"

Of course, at this point Arago realized that he had been fooled, and he gave an order for Anubisu to be slaughtered in the most painful way possible, before he descended to his dungeon to find a way to kill Rose Red.

* * *

"Hmm." Arago murmured, looking though his book of **EVIL!!** magic. "I must find something simple, but elegant ... like me!!" He sighed happily, when his eyes fell upon the perfect ploy. "AHA!!" He exclaimed. "This is perfect ... the cursed CD-R drive! 'When the user burns their first CD, their soul is trapped on that CD for all eternity! Mwahahaha!!"

He then proceeded to disguise himself using magic. He had apparently continued to overlook the fact that, if he REALLY wanted to look like a woman, he could simply use the magic he knew to do so. Well, anyway, he turned himself into an old crone (which was not that far of a stretch, really) put the cursed, **EVIL!!** CD-R drive into his basket of computer parts, and skipped off to find where Rose Red was staying.

* * *

"Now remember Rose Red, we want the place clean by the time we come back!" Bossy said.

"And," Brainy interrupted, "if someone strange comes by and offers you an apple, I vote you take it!"

Hungry proceeded to box his ears, and drag him off to their day job, which happened to be saving the world from the forces of **EVIL!!**.

"We'll be back by five." Fishy instructed.

About five minutes later, and old woman walked up, chanting 'Coumpuuuu~uuuuter parts ... heeheeheeee. Computer paaa~aaatrts ... heeheeheeee." You would have thought the distinctly **EVIL!!** giggles would have tipped off Rose Red that something was rotten in the state of Denmark, but let's face it, we all know that Rose Red is a huge ditz who wouldn't know **EVIL!!** if it walked right up to her door and offered her a free CD-R drive.

"Hey there, young lady! Would you like a free CD-R drive?"

Case in point.

"Oh wow!" Rose Red exclaimed, rushing outside. "A CD-R drive! Just what I need to complete the computer I've been building out of Vaseline and old tube socks!" (Hey, they're in the middle of nowhere, it's not as if she can run down to _Comp USA_!!) "Is it really free??"

"Of course!" Arago replied. "It won't cost you anything ... except your **IMMORTAL SOUL!!! MWAAAHAHAHAAAA! **(Can you tell I'm **EVIL!!** ?) " Realizing that he probably shouldn't have said that last bit aloud, Arago bit a hasty retreat.

"What a nice old lady." The painfully stupid Rose Red said, before running off to hook up her new CD-R drive, which, upon use, burned her sould onto what was intended to be a CD of N*Sync and Backstreet Boys music. (Justice was done, if you ask me.)

Meanwhile, on their way home from a hard day of saving the world, the poorly-named dwarves ran into Arago, and killed him for daring to wear polka dots with plaid. At this point the author tapped Bossy on the shoulder and gave him an advance copy of the story, so he could figure out what the hell was going on.

"What do you mean, the guy we just killed has cursed Rose Red?!" Bossy exclaimed, recapping the recent events for those who hadn't been paying attention.

"Wait, look at the title on this CD!" Brainy exclaimed, holding up the CD Rose Red had burned. "It says 'Kiss-to-remove-read-only-status'!" Brainy exclaimed.

"Wait, so we're supposed to kiss the CD?" Hungry asked, scratching his head.

"I think it is far more likely that we are intended to kiss Rose Red." Brainy responded.

"Kiss HER?" Creepy, Girly, and Gen all said in unison. "Count US out!"

"Well don't look at me!" Fishy responded.

"I'm not kissing her!!" Hungry said.

"Why is everyone looking at me!?" Bossy wanted to know.

"Well," Brainy said, looking at where they had tossed her corpse out in the front yard. "**Some**one has to kiss her! We can't bury her in the front yard - think of the property values!"

"Well ... what if we bury her in the **back** yard?" Girly suggested.

"Well you see, that raises the same problem ..."

Meanwhile, while they were debating, Kayura wandered across the storyline and bestowed the necessary kiss upon Rose Red, thus ruining the dramatic tension.

"Look, it's not like we're going to sell the place anytime soon ..."

"But what if we have to?! We won't be able to say that there are no **corpses** buried on our property!"

Rose Red blinked a couple times, realized that she was sprawled out on the front yard of the poorly-named dwarves, and pondered what had happened to her CD-R drive. Just then the prince from the beginning of the story rose up on a pure white steed and went to knock on the door.

"Oh!" Rose Red said to herself. "The prince has discovered that I'm here, and has come to take me away to his castle in the clouds!" She waved her arms enthusiastically. "Oh prince! I'm over here!!" She called.

The blonde turned over his shoulder and gave her a strange look before Gen opened the door of the house.

"You're late." Gen said. "I'll get him, but he's going to be pissed."

Rose Red blinked in confusion as Brainy appeared in the doorway. "You know, you were supposed to be here three days ago." He said with a raised eyebrow.

"I'm sorry, but I got spooked but some dumb broad over at the castle who fancied herself a damsel in distress."

"I know that scene." Brainy responded. "Well then, let's go."

The prince then swung Brainy up onto his noble steed, and they rode of to his castle in the clouds, where they lived happily ever after, and had many children through means as yet unknown to us.

As for Rose Red, the dwarves kicked her out, and she ended up wandering the forest, until she found Kayura and decided that the kiss that awoke her must have been intended to indicate her true love. She therefore set up herself living in a pretty little grotto with Kayura, who surprisingly learned to tolerate her company, and they had many, many children.

The hand mirror was shattered into a million pieces, at which time a spirit dressed in a frilly pink negligee and stiletto heels floated out screaming "I'm free!! I'm free!!" It broke into a brief can-can number, followed by a fifteen minute coughing fit from too much smoking, then floated away and was never seen again.

****

THE END!!


End file.
